Here's the Thing

I can remember having nightmares as a small child. I know my parents remember me running into their room crying because a monkey had bitten me on the cheek. It was so terrifyingly real. To this day I can remember the details of the dream. There was a small window above the headboard of my twin bed, and I was sitting in bed, leaning back on the headboard. Out of the window behind my head a cartoonish brown monkey (looking like a deranged Curious George) leans out and latches onto the side of my face. I remember not wanting to go back to bed, because I wasn't completely sure it had been a dream.

These days my nightmares tend to be just as disturbing, and far more realistic. So much so that the last few times that I have cried have been while I was dreaming. The upside of my nightmares now is that I can generally shake them off immediately after waking up. The downside is that there are things far worse than hungry monkeys in the world, and they can easily and unexpectedly pop up in a surprisingly realistic dream.

I have been unusually entertained by this year's presidential election race. In years past I have been either too sure of who I wanted to vote for or too frustrated by the lack of decent choices. This year, however, there are plenty of interesting characters, and a number of decent candidates from which to choose.

About two years ago, when Hillary Clinton was starting to take serious steps toward running in 2008, I thought the only republican that could possibly beat her would have to be Rudy Giuliani. He wasn't even running at the time, but I think everyone knew he would.

Now, with the primaries and caucuses starting to heat up, I think I have a pretty good idea about who could win. I have no idea who will win, but I think I will once the parties have chosen their candidate. I think I have a good idea of who can beat who, and who just can't win. Here is a chart of my predictions, based on the final candidates in the general election.

Obama vs. McCain - Obama wins a pleasant and respectful race

Obama vs. Romney - Obama wins in a Dukakisesque landslide

Obama vs. Huckabee - Obama wins a closer race than you might expect

Clinton vs. McCain - McCain wins a tiresome and sometimes ugly race

Clinton vs. Romney - Nobody wins Clinton wins a very close race

Clinton vs. Huckabee - Huckabee wins a very close race

In light of this empirical evidence I cannot fathom the democrats nominating Hillary Clinton. She can only beat Mitt Romney, and that's only because nobody want to vote for the guy who looks like he should be pitching time shares.